Two hostesses for Shabbos meals discuss best practices of hosting: Mrs. Shlomit, labor coach and doula from Modiin Ilit and Mrs. Chani Cohen, shlucha in Charish.
By Esti Lenchner
Friday afternoon the house is humming and there are smells of cooking in the air at the Lenchner home in Rechovot. One is chopping, another is peeling and others are setting the table, when one of them asks, “Ima, how many should we set for? 30 or 40?”
An outsider would be surprised by the question and would wonder what special event is taking place. The answer is, it’s a regular Shabbos, on the small side.
At the Lenchners, preparations for Shabbos begin on Thursday afternoon when all the married children in the area gather in the family kitchen. They each give a hand and each one has a job. There is a lot of work and it’s done by everyone pitching in. Late at night, when most of the work is done, is when they go home.
When the Shabbos meal gets underway, the head of the household seats female guests next to his daughters so everyone feels comfortable. The meal takes place in a joyous atmosphere with ideas of Chassidus filling the air.
That’s the way it is, nearly every Shabbos, when hosting is an inseparable part of the scene; all the family members work together.
This marvelous hosting atmosphere in my in-laws’ home is what led me to research the subject and look for women who do this holy work.
THE PRIVILEGE TO HOST
I caught Shlomit for a quick conversation. She told me from the start that she might need to hang up because her doula services might be needed any minute.
Shlomit’s day is packed and revolves around laboring women. She says that her children are already used to getting up in the morning and not seeing her because she left to accompany a laboring woman at the hospital.
“I love my work and it gives me great satisfaction. There is no greater joy than knowing you helped a young woman get through the birth calmly and joyfully.”
Despite the many pressures related to her work, Shlomit finds the time to host large Shabbos meals.
“Over the years, I’ve learned to prepare accordingly, and I try to prepare as much as possible in advance, doing the big shopping, like for meat and chicken, at the beginning of the week. That way, I know that I can be relaxed if I suddenly have to go to a birth on Thursday.
“The children help out if I’m not there. They do the finishing touches, like the salads and the last of the shopping, as I give them instructions from afar. Thanks to the special work that I do, the atmosphere in our home is one of flexibility with changing circumstances. Everyone understands the situation and helps out so it’s possible for me to go to a birth on a Friday morning and return for candle lighting and I find the house ready for Shabbos. I also take household help. It is very important to me that the work that I do, that requires me to be unexpectedly absent, not affect the maintenance of the house.
“Boruch Hashem, we host a lot. The married children come, at least two couples every Shabbos, and other people that we invited for various reasons. Among them are people for whom it is a real kindness. I always tell my children that we need to ask Hashem to never be in the position of needing others. For the guest too, it’s not pleasant to suddenly be thrown into an unfamiliar Shabbos meal because he has nowhere to eat.
“We tell our children what a privilege it is that we are hosts. The world is a wheel and we never know where each of us will be. As long as we can, we want to be givers. And it’s not always easy. More guests means more shopping and more logistical arrangements, but that isn’t something that should stop us from being givers.”
GROWING UP WITH IT
“Love for hosting is something I got from my parents’ home, growing up in Yerushalayim. For years, our home was a second home to baalos teshuva from Neve Yerushalayim, from the mosad of the late Rabbi Metzger (for Hebrew speaking students). Every Shabbos, regularly, we had lots of girls for Friday night and even by day. To my mother, hosting did not end by serving food. She would sit with them, listen and talk. My parents’ home was full of guests and it was all done with such simplicity and spontaneity.
“I remember how we, as kids, were full partners to the hosting and looked forward to guests. It was part of life. I remember a situation in which my father, who was a rosh yeshiva, had the students who were going to be given their entrance exams come to our house. Two boys came with their fathers and when it was lunchtime, my mother seated them to eat with us and also included two workers who were fixing something in the house.
“That moment sort of crystallized for me the knowledge that I would continue this wonderful tradition of welcoming and hosting. If not for the love they instilled in me for hosting, it would be hard for me to do it today.
“Boruch Hashem, we have many guests in our home too. The atmosphere at the Shabbos table is very spontaneous. You don’t feel like you came to a rabbi’s house and need to sit quietly. Everyone feels like a member of the household.”
REMEMBER HASHEM
“Hosting the married children contributes a lot to the family atmosphere. We get to see each other a lot and strengthen our ties; in our family, it is customary for years now that every Friday, all family members come for a light lunch. Even those who won’t be spending Shabbos with us join us.
“My best tip is that even if you did not manage to prepare everything you planned, and it happens, forget about it! The most important thing on Shabbos is the atmosphere, how you interact with each child and guest.
“Many people ask me how I manage it all. I always answer with the verse, ‘Remember Hashem your G-d, for He is the one who gives you strength …’ It’s not from me; it’s from Hashem. If I look at things as being difficult, it will all be difficult, but if I look at things positively, then even a big Shabbos with dozens of people will be joyous, even if I had two days without sleep while working as a doula.”
* * *
Chani Cohen, shlucha in the development town of Charish, is very busy. Every week, more and more families move in to the town, so her work continues to grow quickly.
“We arrived here three years ago and immediately got to work. I work mainly with the women here. I do challa baking and teach kallos.
“Once a year we have a communal Shabbos; 400 people attended last year. People left feeling very uplifted and asked when we’re doing it again. With Hashem’s help, we plan on opening a preschool next year and a school after that.”
MY SHABBOS
“Planning for Shabbos means planning well in advance, because nearly every Thursday night I go out for hafrashas challa. That means I either have to work through the night or on Friday, which often is also busy with assembling kits for local residents that include small rolls, Shabbos candles and our business card. Through these kits we make wonderful connections with people.
“At first, situations like this were stressful. Now I’ve learned how to handle it, to get help and mainly free myself up. Even if I did not manage to make all the salads I planned and even if I bought challa rolls from the store, I know that I entered Shabbos calmly and joyously.
“Wanting to get to know people, along with our love for hosting, is why we host every Shabbos. There are families who have come to us many times already and families for whom it is the first time. Every Shabbos, we host at least two families for the Shabbos meal.
“One of the most important things in hosting families, especially when they are not religious, is making them feel comfortable. So, every time we invite a new family, we also invite a family that they know. That prevents the silences and awkwardness around the table. I remember a situation in which we invited a new family and the second family was delayed. The meal began and I felt that the woman was distant and quiet. I understood her. Suddenly, in came the other family and in an instant, the ice was broken. The atmosphere warmed up and by the end of the meal we had become friends.”
YOU NEED TO BE CREATIVE
“We sometimes have uncomfortable situations with guests and we have to be creative to defuse them. For example, since this is a development town and the apartments are brand new, it has become the local custom for people to bring gifts to their host. That often puts me in awkward situations, when the guest expects me to open the beautiful gift that she brought for the new home or for my little boy.
“I’ll give you another example. One of the women here became an inseparable part of the Chabad House. She is my right hand with all Chabad House events and comes to us for nearly every Shabbos and sometimes brings her children. One of the times she came with her 13-year-old son who had no interest in what was happening at the table. He wanted to play with his smartphone. His mother censured him again and again for this, saying it wasn’t appropriate.
“He finally got up from the table and went to my son’s room to play. I was sitting at the meal and heard them playing with muktza toys. I was uncertain about whether to go to them. At the end of the meal, they left the bedroom and I discovered that her son had turned on the light, which made the rest of Shabbos challenging since my son cannot sleep with the light on.”
* * *
When I finished talking to these two special women, I understood how the work of hosting is not simple, but it is satisfying and joyful.