Dear Reader sh’yichyeh,
In our previous article we discussed the basic principle of Chinuch, that before you can demand anything from them and expect positive results (you can always demand…) they must feel that you trust and care for them. As the famous truism goes: “They won’t care how much you know, till they know how much you care.”
Building on that principle, one may be mistaken to think that developing and enforcing strong guidelines is counterproductive. For after-all, how can we work on inspiring someone and limiting them at the same time? Nothing can be further from the truth! There must be clear guidelines and they need to be enforced. It is how the rules are “packaged and explained” that determine whether the student/child will feel restricted and resentful or happy and grateful.
To explain: There are two types of rules: 1) Rules for a prison, where the objective of the rules is that the guards can control inmates; 2) Rules for successful people, where a person that has strong capabilities is taught the discipline they need to be successful.
When the Rebbe Rashab created his Yeshiva, he gave it a very unique name: Tomchei T’mimim, which means, “the supporters of the T’mimim.” While most schools are built around the faculty and the subjects taught, the Rebbe Rashab made it very clear that this Yeshiva is built to support the students. Yet, at the same time it was the strictest Yeshiva in the entire Russia!
This is obviously not a contradiction: The best support you can give someone is teaching them responsibility, accountability, self-esteem and values.
By having rules, you are sending the message that you feel that the student has the potential to be successful and is not a “nebach case” that needs to be supported by others.
One of the best times for encouraging educational growth is when a student/child sees that you do not punish by impulse, but rather by a predetermined system, and that even when being punished he is cared for. He should never feel that a teacher or parent “got even” with a punishment, as this will only teach him to hurt and control others. It breeds a vicious cycle of emotional violence.
If you are consistent with enforcing the rules and consistent with the concern and care you demonstrate to the child, the child will thank you eternally for the biggest present that you gave them: The present of being the best person that they could be.
Rabbi Avtzon is the Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshivas Lubavitch Cincinnati and a well sought after speaker and lecturer. Recordings of his in-depth shiurim on Inyanei Geula u’Moshiach can be accessed at http://www.ylcrecording.com.