The importance of chinuch is obvious to all. Our main difficulty is how to go about it. How do we move from our awareness of the importance of chinuch to actually implementing it?
By Rabbi Yitzchok Isaac Landau
In B’Reishis 18:19, Hashem says, “Will I conceal from Avrohom … I know him that he will command his children and his household after Me and they will observe the path of G-d.”
It seems that Hashem is saying here that He has a special love for Avrohom Avinu not because of the difficult tests that he passed, not because of his mesirus nefesh, but because he will train his children so that they will continue on the same path. That illustrates for us how devoted we need to be to the chinuch of our children.
We say in Krias Shma twice a day, “And teach it to your children and speak in it [Torah].” Our first obligation is to teach our children and only then is there an obligation to speak about it. There can’t be a situation in which a parent says: I need to learn now, to daven, to do mitzvos, and I have no time for “teaching children.” The order is the other way round; your children come first. That is what our attitude towards chinuch ought to be.
We are commanded to place a mezuza on the doorpost. This is a mitzva that is important and dear to us; when we come and go, we place our hand on the mezuza. But even before the commandment about mezuza it says, “and teach your children.” Only after that does it say, “and write it on the doorposts of your house.” So too with us, when a Chassid enters his home, he should think about the chinuch of his children. When he leaves the house, he should think about the chinuch of his children. Because that precedes the mitzvah of mezuza.
That chinuch is important is obvious to all of us. The main problem is, how should we go about it?
The first thing we need to understand is that a very big investment is demanded of us. We need to remember that all good things come with difficulties. The harder it is, the more precious and important it is. The same is true for chinuch. Since it is so important, it is also hard. But we have the wherewithal to accomplish it, because if we were given the job and our particular children, surely we are also given the means to successfully do what we have to do.
BEING A ROLE MODEL IS NOT A BONUS
Let’s begin with that which is hardest to say, but sadly is the reality. It often happens that the father doesn’t feel good about himself. He doesn’t get up in the morning to daven on time or he doesn’t devote enough time to learn, but he expects that at least his son will do so. That is unreasonable.
If I want to give my son a Chassidishe chinuch, I myself have to set an example. I must show that this is important to me, that I also do what I expect him to do. Only then can I make demands of him and be mechanech him.
If the child sees how important this is, it makes an impact on him and it is not necessary to demand it of him. Words won’t help. For example, it’s Shabbos Mevarchim and he needs to get up early to say T’hillim in shul. The father doesn’t go to shul, but he wakes up his son and urges him to go and say T’hillim.
The child might go to shul because he will get a prize, or because he is afraid of a punishment if he doesn’t go, but that isn’t chinuch. That doesn’t get into his bones. It’s just a temporary behavior driven by considerations of reward/punishment. But we want it to become a part of him. That will happen only if the father also gets up and says T’hillim. Then the child will see that it’s really important to his father.
They tell of two mothers who raised their children. One mother trained her child that it is out of the question to go to bed without brushing your teeth. It is very important to take care of your health and hygiene. Of course she taught him other things like saying Shma, p’sukim etc. but if the child forgot and went to sleep without brushing his teeth, she would wake him up and have him brush before going back to bed.
In the other family, the mother trained her child that it’s out of the question to go to bed without putting negel vasser next to the bed. Of course, she taught him other things like the importance of brush ones teeth and davening, but if the child forgot and went to sleep without putting negel vasser at his bed, she would wake him up, even at one in the morning, so he would get up and put negel vasser next to his bed.
The two children grew up and went to yeshiva. They didn’t do that well there and left for the big wide world. They rarely put on t’fillin, but each one preserved that which had penetrated his bones. One of them always prepared negel vasser next to his bed. He didn’t keep Shabbos but he washed his hands in the morning, because that is what he was taught. He felt that this was important and he could not go to sleep without having a basin and cup of water next to his bed. His irreligious friends asked him about it and he would explain. Thanks to those explanations, he slowly got back on track to Torah and mitzvos. Meanwhile, the other one brushes his teeth every night before he goes to sleep …
If a child feels that something is important to his parents, it will get into his bones. Even if, G-d forbid, he does not rise to the challenges he faces, those things that he felt were truly important will stick with him forever.
This is why a Chassidishe chinuch begins by our setting an example. This is not always easy. Especially as training ourselves at our age to davening with a minyan and hiskashrus to the Rebbe is really not simple. But there is no choice! If you want your children to be Chassidish and mekusharim to the Rebbe, you yourself have to be Chassidish and mekushar to the Rebbe. The child senses precisely where his father and mother stand; do they live with these things or just says them? It’s up to us.
R’ Mendel Futerfas would often quote the Rebbe as saying that Mivtza Chinuch is chinuch of ourselves and of others. We need to educate others and we need to educate children, but we must always remember that it begins by educating ourselves. That comes before anything.
HISKASHRUS TO THE REBBE ENHANCES CHINUCH
We as Chassidim have a special ko’ach in chinuch and this is the ko’ach of hiskashrus to the Rebbe. It enables us to successfully train children in our generation, which is a tough generation for chinuch. It says in the Gemara that in Ikvisa d’Meshicha chutzpa will abound. It’s a problem. It’s not just something the Gemara tells us; we see it.
In years gone by, when a father said something, it was holy; children listened immediately. Today, a father says something, but the child is independent and disagrees. We see this particularly in adolescence when children act rebelliously, doing the opposite of what they are told. It is very hard for us and sometimes we feel helpless; we no longer have influence over our children. We look for someone else who can have an influence on them, because our child no longer listens to us, the parents. He is smarter … and that’s the problem.
Hiskashrus to the Rebbe gives us the best tool to deal with this. The father needs to say to his child, “Neither you nor I do what we want. I too, as the father, do what the Rebbe says, even if I don’t want to.” It’s not that I come to the child and tell him, “Do as I said!”
Of course, a child needs to be guided and what the parent says ought to be the final word, but this has become weakened in our generation, the generation of Geula. And yet, we still have the ability to say – we need bittul towards the Rebbe who told us to do such and such; it’s not because I’m saying to do it.
When you lord over a child and say things like, “I am in charge and I, the smarter and bigger one around here, will tell you what to do,” at a certain point the child will rebel. But when you come with bittul and hiskashrus to the Rebbe, he drops the posture of rebellion because his father is also battul. This will only work, of course, if the child feels that his father is really battul to the Rebbe.
If the father will say that what the Rebbe said doesn’t apply now, then the child will also say that the Rebbe spoke to his father’s generation and that his own world is different. It is vital for the child to see parents with bittul to what the Rebbe wants. If the child knows that his father is conflicted about something; that it is hard for him but he asks a mashpia what to do and he writes to the Rebbe and then does what he is told, then he is getting a chinuch of bittul.
In my father’s house, things were done the way my grandfather, Rabbi Yaakov Landau a”h (rav of B’nei Brak) did things. The source for this was what he had seen in the Rebbe Rashab’s home. When I went to yeshiva, I learned that there are things that the Rebbe does that are different than what we did at home. I began to change how I did things from what I had seen at home.
When they came to me with complaints – what’s with these changes, you saw how the grandfather did it all those years, so why are you doing differently – I answered that I was doing just like my grandfather. Just as my grandfather did as he saw the Rebbe do, I also did what I saw the Rebbe do. That was my youthful rebellion.
It came from the chinuch I had received of bittul and hiskashrus to the Rebbe. If we act according to the Rebbe’s horaos, then this influences our children.
The same is true for all the Rebbe’s inyanim including inyanei Moshiach. You can’t just do some of the things. The halacha is that when a Jew denies even one letter of the Torah, G-d forbid, it is as though he denies the entire Torah. This is because the moment there is one thing that is not right, the entire thing is no good. If it is true, it is true all the way through. So you can’t pick and choose among the Rebbe’s horaos. You have to do everything and only then you can expect your children to do the same. Even if there is some area of weakness, the child will know that it comes from laziness or from difficulty in carrying out the horaa; in other words, it comes from a lack in you, but not because you take exception to a horaa from the Rebbe.
I met someone who was a mekurav of a shliach from abroad. Before his wedding he came to talk to me and of course, we spoke about the Rebbe, about hiskashrus, etc. To my great surprise, this was all new to him! He had been learning Chassidus for two years already, but did not know what a Rebbe is! He was in Chabad for two years!
At the end of the conversation he said to me, “I feel now the way I felt two years ago when I discovered a new world of Torah and mitzvos. Now I have discovered a world of a Rebbe and hiskashrus to him.”
That shliach who was mekarev him was afraid that if he spoke about the Rebbe, it would raise questions, like what about now, after Gimmel Tammuz. What if he would be unable to answer properly? He opted not to discuss the topic altogether. From this we can see how far it is possible to stray as a result of picking and choosing from what the Rebbe said.
They once made a farbrengen in Tzfas before Shavuos, a Shabbos Achdus. They decided that for the sake of achdus, everyone would sit together and speak only of topics that they agreed upon. They asked me to say a few words at the end of the farbrengen and this is what I said:
It says that during the period when we count the Omer, we observe practices of mourning because 12,000 pairs of Rabbi Akiva’s talmidim died during this time. Why did they die? Because they did not treat one another with respect. What does that mean?! After all, they were students of the man who said that loving your fellow Jew is a great principle of the Torah!
The Rebbe explains that each talmid claimed to know what R’ Akiva said and was unwilling to accept it when another talmid said that R’ Akiva said something else. Each one held firmly to what he understood, so that, G-d forbid, nobody would err when it came to what R’ Akiva said. And this was the source of the dispute among them.
The question is, is this a reason for 12,000 pairs of talmidim to die? 24,000 students? Why did they deserve such a terrible punishment, particularly when it came from a positive place of wanting to preserve what their master had said?
The explanation is very simple. When the talmidim of R’ Akiva saw that this resulted in a lack of respect for one another, they decided that since they were students of R’ Akiva (who taught them that loving a fellow Jew is a great principle in the Torah), they would stop talking about what R’ Akiva said so there would be no disagreements among them. They would speak about everything else, just not about what their master had said.
If they would have done this, even if the talmidim would not have died a physical death, they would have ceased (“died”) being students of R’ Akiva. There would be no more talmidim of R’ Akiva since they weren’t learning and teaching what he taught.
This is an untenable situation. Should we ignore what the Rebbe said just so that we won’t be confused? Obviously, every person must preserve the honor of others, but that’s a long way from not talking about the Rebbe and hiskashrus to the Rebbe! If we don’t speak about the R’ Akiva of our generation and what he wants, how can we continue being Chassidim? It is permissible to disagree, but respectfully.
WHEN A CHILD HAS MORE THAN FOUR QUESTIONS
This is true for chinuch too. We can begin talking with children about living with the Rebbe and then be asked all kinds of questions. We don’t always know what to say and how to explain it to them, so we avoid the subject. We need to remember that we are Chabad, which means understanding everything rationally, not being fazed by questions. We must look for answers so that things will be understood intellectually.
In the religious world in general, when a bachur says he has questions in emuna, his mashgiach tells him, “Put them aside and, with G-d’s help, when you get older they will disappear.” Our approach is completely different. You have a question, a doubt, or something is unclear? Bring it up and ask so you get an answer. That way you won’t be left with any doubts that will continue to eat away at you.
It all begins with chinuch, educating ourselves and then others. Looking for answers to everything, not hesitating to ask so that things become clear for us. When a child asks what happened on Gimmel Tammuz, his father won’t shush him up, resulting in the child immediately realizing that his father himself doesn’t believe what he says. Matters must be laid out on the table. Speak about the importance of hiskashrus to the Rebbe and about a Jew’s connection to Hashem through the Rebbe. If the child asks a question, start off by telling him, “Good question!” Don’t push him off, because the moment you do, you are actually telling him: Continue living this way without understanding.
If I have a ready answer, I will give it. If I don’t, I will say, “Your question is so good that I don’t have an answer offhand. I need to think about it or ask someone and I’ll get back to you.” This way, you compliment the child on his good thinking.
You might be thinking, but these are matters of faith, matters that are above the intellect, so how does intellect play a role here? The answer is that the study of Chassidus in general is based on emuna. We need to learn and know as much as we can and then emuna begins where our understanding leaves off. We are not to suffice with emuna but to understand things too. That is Chabad, intellectual understanding to the extent that our minds allow.
I was once at a family simcha when a cousin, who is a lecturer for Arachim, came over to me. He asked me, “What’s happening in Chabad? The Rebbe is alive … Yechi …?”
He asked sincerely and not to start up with me. I explained to him Igeres 27 in Tanya and he got it. A Misnaged remains a Misnaged and he is still with Arachim, but he understood why, even after Gimmel Tammuz, a Chassid can say that the Rebbe is alive.
A child who asks is anticipating an answer that he understands, beyond the actual faith. But if we ignore a child’s question and tell him – that’s the way it is, that is a recipe that will ensure he will not believe either, even if he won’t tell you that to your face.
The more we instill hiskashrus to the Rebbe in our homes, the more successful we will be in chinuch, because hiskashrus itself directly affects the chinuch of children.
FAMILY FARBRENGEN
To conclude with a practical suggestion, we need to find time to make farbrengens for our children at home. When parents sit and farbreng with their children on special days, it has an enormous effect (more than farbrengens in shul). The children participate and are happy. Each one gets to say something he heard in class. You sing together and tell a story, and this is how you create a Chassidishe atmosphere at home. You speak about life in a Chassidishe way, about hiskashrus to the Rebbe. Try it once and you won’t want to stop.
You need to make the effort to set aside time for it, but it’s worth it. In my experience, even when I didn’t find time for it, the children would sit down to farbreng and would say, “Abba, come! We are making a farbrengen. Tell us a story.”
May Hashem help us be successful in our avoda-shlichus to be mechanech our children. May we raise Chassidishe children, mekusharim to the Rebbe in a p’nimius’dike way, so that we all have much Jewish and Chassidishe nachas.