HOW TO RAISE A CHILD’S SELF-ESTEEM AND AVERT MISBEHAVIOR

Several letters from the Rebbe as printed in the t’shura from the Simpson-Solomon wedding held on the 7th of Tammuz.

By the Grace of G-d

5th of Teves, 5745

Brooklyn, N.Y.

Blessing and Greeting:

Your letter of the 19th of Kislev, with enclosures, reached me just now.

Needless to say, to make an evaluation of a situation overseas is very difficult, especially in a letter. However, this is not really necessary, seeing that you have been in consultation with competent people, and you will no doubt continue to do so. Therefore, I can only make some general observations.

First of all, you surely know that nowadays such problems with children are very common, and, in fact, probably in the overwhelming majority, although, of course, not all problems are of the same degree, or in the same domain. I say this advisedly, for it seems from your writing that you are overly anxious, for which there is no real reason.

Usually, the final decision as to how to deal with children who have such problems lies with the administration of the school, after discussing the situation with the parents and being advised of the way the child is handled at home. The reasons are understandable, since, firstly, the administration are more objective than a parent can be. Secondly, they are also more experienced in such problems, inasmuch as they deal with many children. And, after all, the parents can also express their opinion to help arrive at the best decision.

It is also well to bear in mind that a significant number of such problems are usually straightened out in the course of time through the contact that the child has with other children and with the teacher and parents, because a child especially (subconsciously) responds to the environment and to the persons with whom the child is in constant contact.

What surprises me is that there is a factor in the situation which is rarely, if ever, used. This is to give a problem child a role of leadership with a group of younger children, through some school activity and the like. This usually goes a long way to encourage the child’s self confidence, as well as making the child more sociable, etc. I trust that this method could be used also in your situation – of course with the approval, and under the supervision, of the school administration.

The above will surely suffice for you and your husband to discuss the suggestions with the administration, to whom you may, of course, show this letter. I have strong confidence that the results in regard to each and all of your children will be gratifying.

As for the specific problem, whether he should repeat his grade at school, or be promoted to a higher grade – this, as mentioned above, is a decision which should be made by the school administration. I would like to add, however, that to pressure the administration in one particular direction is sometimes counterproductive. On the other hand, parents can surely suggest, if they feel strongly about it, that the child be promoted tentatively, for a trial period.

No doubt you know that the date of your letter, the 19th of Kislev, is a very auspicious day, being the Anniversary of the Geula of the Alter Rebbe, Founder of Chabad, who has left a legacy of blessings for all those who follow his teachings, especially in the area of Chinuch. May this add a further measure of Hatzlacha also to you and all yours.

                   With blessing,

•     •     •

By the Grace of G-d

Erev Purim, 5729

Brooklyn, N.Y.

Greeting and Blessing:

I was pleasantly surprised to note in your editorial column in the issue of February 28th excerpts of letters from your son, as well as the spirit of your commentaries in this connection. Inasmuch as there is no end to the good, I trust that there will be a continuity in this direction and that, moreover, the good influence of your son will create a chain reaction infecting and affecting all the members of the family.

I am reminded of the well known verse (end of Malachi), “And he (Elijah) will turn the heart of parents to the children,” which, according to Rashi, means “Through the children – he will induce the children, with love and good will, to go and speak to their parents to follow in the ways of G-d.” And although I trust that in any case the parents are following the way of G-d, there is, as mentioned above, no end to the good, and always room for improvement in all matters of goodness and holiness, which are infinite, since they derive from the Infinite.

You and your wife are particularly privileged in that each of you has a substantial circle of readers, a considerable number of whom undoubtedly are influenced by your writings. Clearly, Divine Providence has bestowed upon you also a special responsibility. There is surely no need to elaborate on this to you.

May G-d grant that everything should be in accordance with the text and spirit of the Megilla – “For the Jews there was light, joy, gladness and honor,” in the fullest sense of these meaningful words.

Wishing you and yours a happy and inspiring Purim,

                   With blessing,

P.S. In accordance with custom to offer a comment on a printed word, I will take the liberty to do so also in reference to the above mentioned editorial, all the more so to avoid a misunderstanding that I fully agree with all that was said there. I trust you will not take amiss my remarks.

I wish to take issue with you in the matter of your youngest daughter who, as your write, is eleven years old, and resisted started Hebrew school, but you “did not force the issue.” You can well imagine my reaction to this. For surely, if your eleven year old daughter would have resisted going to school altogether, you would have found it necessary to “force” the issue – if the term “force” can be applied here. Certainly, insofar as a Jewish child is concerned, her Hebrew education is at least as important to her as a general education. This has been generally recognized throughout the ages, but it should be particularly recognized in our own day and age. For we have seen many of the greatest and saintliest of our people exterminated by a vicious enemy. Consequently, all of us who have been fortunate enough to survive, must make up for this tremendous loss. On the other hand, the forces of complete assimilation have grown much stronger in the free and democratic countries. Worse still, in recent years assimilation has found expression not only with another people, but very often with such groups which have discarded all pretenses to morality and ethics, etc., etc.

You may consider my reference to your daughter’s attitude, and to your attitude in this connection, no longer relevant, since you write that she has agreed to begin Hebrew school, though you immediately point out (with apparent satisfaction) that the method of instruction is “Habet U’shma” – a system which obviously does not aim to lead to “Va’aseh”. Surely there is no need to emphasize to you that fact that when the Torah was given to our people, “Naaseh” was not only a condition of acceptance of the Torah, but a prior condition – “Naaseh” before “v’Nishmah”. Our Sages of blessed memory pointed out that Jewish identity and the very basis of Jewish existence, for the individual as well as for the people as a whole, lies in this great principle of “Naaseh” before “v’Nishmah”. Certainly this is the way to train and educate a Jewish child.

To refer, again, to the Megilla at this time on the eve of Purim, we note that Haman argued, “There is one people, dispersed and divided among the nations, and their laws are different from those of any other people. Therefore, it is not worth for the king to spare them.” Indeed, there were then, as there have been at all times, misguided individuals or groups who shared Haman’s view that the trouble with Jews was their separate identity and otherliness, and that the only solution is to do away with Jewish identity and separateness, and to assimilate. However, the truth of the matter is, as we see also from the events related in the Megilla, that in order to avert the threat of Haman, Esther and Mordecai ordered the gathering of all the Jews together to emphasize their identity and strengthen their observance of their “different laws”…[raising] the esteem and respect of the Jews in the eyes of their former enemies, to the extent that Mordecai the Jew who “did not bend his knee nor bow down,” became the Viceroy of the entire Persian empire.

Since the Torah is eternal, and the Megilla is part of the Torah, its message is eternal and always relevant. Thus, what was true for the Jews and their destiny in the days of Mordecai and Esther, is true for the Jews in the U.S.A. and the Holy Land and elsewhere. And just as the Jews could not take comfort and security from the fact that they had some influence at the Court through Esther the Queen, and Mordecai who had access to the Palace, which did not stop the enemies of the Jews from plotting the extermination of the Jewish people, so nowadays Jews cannot rely on any influence they can muster in the capitals of the world. But, in the final analysis, it is the Jewish adherence to the Torah and Mitzvoth – the source of their life and strength, that will topple all Hamans and bring “Light, joy, gladness and honor.”

It is not my custom to engage in homiletics, etc. The hope and the purpose of the above observations is a practical one, namely that the curriculum of your youngest daughter, as well as of all the family, will not be limited to “Habet U’shma”, but will also include “Aseh” and, indeed, the basic Jewish approach of doing before even understanding. May G-d grant you and your wife true Yiddish Nachas from all your children.

•     •     •

By the Grace of G-d

In the Days of Chanukah, 5721

Brooklyn, N.Y.

Greeting and Blessing:

I received your letter, in which you ask my advice with regard to certain educational problems, especially how to influence the children to get rid of undesirable habits, etc.

Needless to say, these problems cannot be adequately discussed in a letter. However, experienced teachers and educators are usually their own best guides, for, as the saying goes, “None is wiser than the man of experience.” Besides, it is difficult to give advice from the distance, especially as the psychology of children may vary in certain aspects from one country to another. Nevertheless I would like to make one general point which can be universally applied in educational problems, a point which is emphasized in the teachings of Chassidus. I refer to the effort to make the children aware that they possess a soul which is a part of G-d, and that they are always in the presence of G-d (as explained in Chapters 2 and 41 of the Tanya). When this is done persistently, and on a level which is suitable to the age group and background of the children, the children come to realize that they possess a great and holy quality which is directly linked with G-d, the Creator and Master of the world, and that it would therefore be quite unbecoming and unworthy of them to do anything which is not good. At the same time they come to realize that they have the potential to overcome temptation or difficulty, and if they would only make a little effort on their part they would receive considerable assistance from On high to live up to the Torah and Mitzvoth, which constitute the will and wisdom of G-d.

As for the problem of some children having a habit to take things not belonging to them, this may fall into one of two categories: a. The attitude mentioned in the Mishnah in Pirke Avoth “Mine is thine and thine is mine.” In this case the effort should be made to educate the child that just as it is necessary to be careful not to offend or shame another person, so it is necessary to be careful not to touch anything belonging to somebody else. b. An unhealthy condition which should be treated medically by specialists who know how to handle such an aberration.

I would like to add one more point, which is also emphasized in the teachings of Chassidus, namely, to be careful that in admonishing children the teacher or parent should not evoke a sense of helplessness and despondency on the part of the child; in other words, the child should not get the impression that he is good-for-nothing and that all is lost, etc., and therefore he can continue to do as he wishes. On the contrary, the child should always be encouraged in the feeling that he is capable of overcoming his difficulties and that it is only a matter of will and determination.

•     •     •

By the Grace of G-d

11th of Adar, 5726

Brooklyn, N.Y.

Greeting and Blessing:

I am in receipt of your letter in which you question the wisdom of the Issur to study Apikorsus, in view of the fact that it seems to you right that G-d should want everyone to study all he can about theology and every point of view, even to the extent of doubting the very existence of G-d, etc.

Needless to say, a letter is hardly the proper medium to discuss such a matter adequately. This should not be necessary, inasmuch as there are many Rabbonim and Roshei Yeshivoth in your neighborhood with whom you could discuss this and similar questions at length.

However, inasmuch as you took the trouble to write to me, I will attempt to answer at least your first question, as briefly as possible. I will do so by referring to the well-known saying of the Rambam, who, as you know, was the great Codifier (including in his Code also the above mentioned Issur), and at the same time was also one of the greatest physicians that ever lived. As the Rambam expressed it, the body and soul have very much in common insofar as treatment of diseases are concerned.

Bearing the above in mind, let us now consider the fact that when one is desirous of doing research in a highly contagious disease, it is of course necessary first to have the proper preparation and training in order not only to hope to achieve anything, but also in order to prevent contracting that disease. Moreover, this kind of research is not done for the sake of curiosity or just as a pastime. Only that person is justified in placing himself in certain danger to his own health (for with all precautionary measures, there is always an element of risk involved), who can hope to bring some good to humanity, and thereby alleviate the suffering of others or even eliminate the disease. This calls for certain qualifications, and one would not expect a boy who is just out of high school to begin such a dangerous research. And even after many years of study and preparation and maturity, it is not everyone that is qualified to do this kind of work.

What has been said above in regard to diseases of the body is also true in every detail in regard to the diseases of the soul. Especially when it concerns Apikorsus, since this is directly and essentially connected with the very well-being of the soul, to such an extent that it could possibly undermine and cripple one’s faith in HaShem Chaim, and lead to the very opposite of Chaim.

It would be possible to elaborate on the above a great deal, but I trust that what has been said will suffice to answer your question. I will add, however, another point. It is unnecessary to emphasize the relative importance of the body and the soul, since the former is temporary and the latter is everlasting, but there is a further simple consideration: Any physical disorder can be easily discovered, and if caught in time, can be cured, since a physical disorder is immediately connected with physical discomfort, which serves as a warning and signal. However in a spiritual disorder, it is possible that years may pass by without being aware of the dangerous course upon which one has embarked or drifted. So much so that there can be a total disorientation and distortion, to the extent of “calling light – darkness, and darkness – light,” which is the height of spiritual disease.

I note what you write about your being brought up in an orthodox environment. I trust that you are continuing this golden chain of tradition. And although you write that you have been exposed to “contemporary thought,” I trust that you have also made a study of Jewish history. If so, you will have seen that what is generally considered as “contemporary” Judaism, namely Reform and Conservatism, is nothing really new. As a matter of history, we have had in every generation deviationist movements trying to break away from the mainstream of Torah Yiddishkeit, yet hoping to remain within it. As early as Mattan Torah, and only a few weeks afterwards, there were already the Golden Calf worshippers, and so it went from generation to generation, down to Mendelsohn, the father of Reform. However, as you thumb through the pages of Jewish history, one can see at once what happened to all deviationists. Either they completely returned to the Jewish fold, as was the case with the majority of the Golden Calf worshippers, or they were completely lost, as was the case with the minority. Similarly with those who came under the influence of Mendelsohn. Many of them returned to the traditional faith of their ancestors, while the minority completely assimilated and converted.

There is a well-known and wise old saying that the past should serve as a lesson for the future. It is easy to see where deviation from the right way, the way of the Torah and Mitzvoth, leads. Even if one wishes to make a change insofar as one is personally concerned, and argues that this is his own personal affair, this still does not preclude all others to try and help him. The analogy would be of one who wishes to jump from a bridge and claims that this is his own personal affair. In that case no one would question the duty of everyone within reach to try to help him, and to mobilize the police and fire departments to save that person. All the more so where there are children. Unfortunately, many parents do not realize how they are using their own children as guinea pigs for dangerous experimentations, etc.

As we are about to celebrate the festival of Purim, the history of those days can, again, serve as a lesson for the present day. In those days of Mordecai and Esther, the Jews had attained a high degree of self determination and freedom, and high positions in the State. Mordecai, for example, was a favorite of the royal Court. The freedom which the Jews enjoyed at the time brought about a situation where many Jews were eager to participate in the great royal Feast. Many Jews felt that they were in no danger of any kind. The results of this attitude are related in the Megilla. The point that is of main concern to us here is: The non-Jews know, as Haman declared, that Jews are a unique people, with unique laws and customs of their own. No amount of effort on the part of some assimilationists will deceive the non-Jew, or conceal the fact that a Jew is always a Jew. One can only delude oneself. At the same time the story of Purim emphasizes that when a crisis comes and Jews desire to turn back and return to the fold, nothing stands in the way of Teshuvo, and it brings to a reversal of the situation from sorrow to gladness, and from mourning to festivity. It is only a pity that a crisis must come before some Jews realize where they belong.

Wishing you a truly happy and inspiring Purim,

With blessing,          

By

•     •     •

By the Grace of G-d

3rd Light of Chanukah, 5722

Brooklyn, N.Y.

Greeting and Blessing:

I received your letter of the 18th of Kislev, in which you write how you spent Simchas Torah in the Lubavitch House. I trust that the joy and inspiration of it will be lasting throughout the year.

I read with interest about the planned second visit to Scotland. May G-d grant that it also be highly successful and in a growing measure, as indicated by Ner Chanukah which we kindl[e] each night of Chanukah in increasing numbers.

You write that the success which you had is, in your trade, “fantastic.” This may be so if one considers the trade as entirely a material thing. But if the approach is one that bears in mind that this is also connected with the Lubavitch House and with its activities, since part of the profits will, I hope, be dedicated towards that cause, the success is not fantastic at all, in view of the growing activities of the Lubavitch House and the tasks before it. For, according to the state of affairs in England at this time, it is an absolute necessity to increase the activities of the Lubavitch House, and in a steadily increasing manner, in the spirit of Ner Chanukah mentioned above.

Hoping to hear further good news from you, and wishing you a happy and inspiring Chanukah,

With blessing,

P.S. In reference to Mr.______, of whom you write that so far he has not succeeded in bringing in business – perhaps it would be worth trying to send him, at the beginning, with an experienced salesman to help him observe how it is done, etc. And perhaps it is even better to use him in another way, i.e., in another area of the business, since he is a man of integrity and surely wants to be useful to the business in every possible way. – Regarding your desire to visit here for next Shovuos, may it materialize with success.