LOVE, UNDERSTANDING, ACCEPTANCE

After leaving home and their religious lifestyle behind, thousands of kids reach a very low place. It is here that Eli Shahapurkar meets them. He opened a weekend home for them which provides them with a place where they feel loved and wanted. * R’ Eli gave Beis Moshiach a glimpse into what goes on behind the scenes and says that the best, most effective approach is what the Rebbe writes about in his letter for Yud Shvat 5711, “to visit where youth, who are not yet religious, gather, and explain to them how the Rebbe loves them exceedingly.”

Two articles were recently published in the Israeli media that describe the lives of the young homeless of Yerushalayim, who live in cheap shanties and abandoned houses and beg to pay their way. These articles made an impact at the time, but as is often the case, the impact faded as time went on.

It is a painful situation in which hundreds of young people, mostly from religious homes, left their families and communities and are seeking something. They live lives of suffering, survival, sadness, and physical hunger. They seek a warm, embracing home.

Five years ago, R’ Eli Shahapurkar opened the “Bayit Cham (warm home) for Shabbos and Yom Tov,” for these unfortunate youngsters.

“After we got married, we lived in the center of Yerushalayim and I saw these kids. I noticed that there were organizations that worked with them, but the focus was on weekdays. I was disappointed because it is on Shabbos and Yom Tov that the kids need the most homelike warmth. When I decided to open a place for them, it was primarily for Shabbos and Yom Tov.”

Since then, the project has grown and expanded to all days of the week, though the cherry on top is reserved for Shabbos and Yom Tov. Every day, and especially on weekends, dozens, if not hundreds, of kids stop by. The house, which previously served as a house of prayer, is located in the center of Yerushalayim and was adapted and designed with care. People who have come to see the work being done here have been amazed, especially by the generosity of spirit of R’ Eli who welcomes everyone graciously without checking them out first.

CHILDHOOD WITHOUT DIRECTION

We cannot write about Bayit Cham without telling the story of the founder, R’ Eli. R’ Eli is the son of immigrants from India. He lived with his family in Dimona. “When I was thirteen, the family moved to Yavneh. For me, the move was traumatic, because I was taunted by the kids in the new school I went to. Kids would tease me about my origin and even used physical violence against me. What ended the cruel treatment was a letter that I sent to a popular television program at that time. I wasn’t sure the letter would be publicized but when it was, everyone became my friend and the bullying stopped.

“From when I was little, I was drawn to motorcycles. In order to buy one, I went to work in the afternoon after school at a local print shop. I learned the secrets of the business and the manager soon promoted me to a managerial position and gave me greater responsibilities. When I was discharged from the army I went back to the print shop and was appointed manager of human resources.”

Some years later, he decided to open his own company. He left the print shop and opened a large company in that field in Tel Aviv. “Young people would come to me and I would train them for work in this field. Many customers, who understood the importance of the work we were doing with the youth, became clients of the company, including big Israeli newspapers. Sometimes, we were given projects of a nationwide scope and when we handled them well, more doors were opened to us. At a certain point, we maintained a packing and distribution center, which had dozens of youth working in it from all around the central region of the country.”

Despite growing up in a home where faith was present, and a grandfather who ran a shul in India, Eli was not religiously observant. He had plenty of money and he lived among the high rollers in the Dizengoff towers in Tel Aviv.

“I did not know what it means to be a person with faith; nobody taught me. I naively thought it was enough that I have a good heart.”

SEARCHING AND STARTING OUT

The first thing that woke him up from his spiritual slumber was the passing of his father. If that wasn’t enough, a good childhood friend, his closest confidante, was killed in a road accident. These events made him think about the meaning of life.

“I remember the day I said to myself, what now? I don’t lack for money, I can buy what I like, I am sought after by people in power, all the delights of this world are spread out before me, and I still feel I am missing something.

“I began sinking into a depression. What is my purpose in this world? Why did I come to this world altogether? These thoughts began to crop up after years in which I pushed them away.”

A good friend, with whom he shared his state of mind, took him to a Lubavitcher Chassid in Rechovot. “He told me I can write to the Lubavitcher Rebbe through his s’farim and that people see blessings and yeshuos. I was very skeptical but I had nothing to lose. In the letter that I opened to, the Rebbe wrote to keep kosher. I left the Lubavitcher’s home in amazement but unfortunately, I had to go through a series of experiences until I discovered the light of Chassidus. I immersed myself in reading books written by gurus. I also attended lectures and events, but I was constantly disappointed.

“In the midst of all this searching, I myself was in an accident that I emerged from intact only by a miracle. That day, and without understanding why, I took a T’hillim and went to the beach where I began to read chapters of it with great emotion. Toward the end of that week, I called a friend and suggested that he join me in a hotel in Yerushalayim where we would keep Shabbos for the first time in our lives. We wouldn’t travel by car and we would not turn on lights. That was, more or less, the only things I knew about observing Shabbos.

“We did it and I was thrilled. Unfortunately, on the way back from Yerushalayim to my parents’ house in Yavneh, the sitra achra realized that it could not sit with hands folded, considering my inspired state, and I got a phone call from a friend who told me that he opened a bar in Rishon L’Tziyon and he was inviting me to come and inaugurate the place that night. My friend and I decided to change our plans and drive to him. I drank a lot of alcohol and the more I drank, the more I wondered why I didn’t feel happy; on the contrary, with each cup I felt sadder.”

When Eli left for his home early in the morning, he was involved in a head-on collision. He woke up in a hospital with a team of doctors and nurses around him. They informed him that he was in an accident in which a young pedestrian was injured. “My injuries were relatively light but the person I hit was more seriously injured. I remember praying at the Aron Kodesh in the hospital that he recover. Boruch Hashem, he did.

“When I was discharged from the hospital, a friend came to visit me who told me that he had just visited 770 and he had a present from there that would help me a lot. It was a book with some chapters of Tanya explained by Rabbi Yekusiel Green. I read it and loved it. I felt that it related to me, that this was what I had been searching for. I called Rabbi Green and bought all his books. With every additional chapter in Tanya that I learned, I saw how it answered more and more questions that I had. At that time, a shiur in Tanya began at a shul near my parents’ home.”

Divine providence led Eli to the right place. He felt that the shiur had been started just for him, and he was the first student to appear at the appointed time.

Some time later, Eli met the young man he had hit in the car accident. The latter was happy to meet him and told him excitedly that he felt the accident was a message to him from heaven that he should change his way of life. He had become a baal t’shuva.

From one day to the next, Chassidus peeled away from Eli more and more layers of his old world, and he became a baal t’shuva. He eventually went to learn in Rabbi Yitzchok Arad’s Yeshivas Daas in Rechovot, and spent four years there. “Those were the best years of my life,” he says. “In Daas, I became a Chassid and mekushar to the Rebbe.”

THE BIRTH OF BAYIT CHAM

After he married, the young couple settled in the center of Yerushalayim where he noticed street youth. “I always had a positive approach toward young people, from when I managed the print shop.” When he was made the offer of working in a youth club with dropouts, he felt this work was suited to him. In addition to the hours he spent at the club, he invited boys over for the Shabbos and Yom Tov meals.

After three years of intensive work with this population, R’ Eli realized that there was a major lack in the work with these youth, especially on the days when they most needed a listening ear, and to be in the warm environment of a normal home life. It had already become too difficult to host tens of young people in his home, and he decided to set up a place that would operate mainly on weekends.

Before he set to work on realizing his dream, he wrote a letter to the Rebbe and asked for his blessing. R’ Eli opened to a clear answer:

“…Considering the responsibility that was placed on each and every one to be of assistance to the sons and daughters of the Jewish people, materially and spiritually, each according to his station and situation, and “fortunate is the one who thinks of the pauper” to be of assistance to him al taharas ha’kodesh, the fact that there are proactive activists, concerned for the needs of Jewish children who are not adjusting to the regular educational institutions, inspires joy.

“My trust is strong that you and your friends and partners in avodas ha’kodesh (work of holiness), will do all the appropriate exertions to fulfill the responsibility that was placed upon them to educate the children under their care and influence them in the spirit of Torah and mitzvos al taharas ha’kodesh. And Hashem should grant them success in this work of responsibility, through which they will also merit the blessing of Hashem in their private matters…”

What more is there to say? R’ Eli felt that the Rebbe designated this shlichus for him, and if he had any doubts previously, they faded and disappeared.

He made contact with some of his friends from his past who were men of means. They heard about his plans and were excited. “As someone who had experience in the world of business, I prepared a business plan for the project with a detailed budget. Within a few weeks, we found a place in the center of the city, which we fixed, scraped and cleaned. Since then, the place has hosted mass Shabbos meals every Shabbos, with good food which I cook myself, along with words of Torah and Chassidus, and talks into the wee hours of the night.”

PATIENCE AND LOVE – THAT IS THE APPROACH

When R’ Eli speaks about his work, his eyes light up. It is obvious that he loves his work, which he describes as a “life mission.” If in the early days he was a one man show, now he oversees a cadre of volunteers who work with the youth all week long, and care for all their needs. “The street kids had no place to go on Shabbos and Yom Tov. On those days, the clubs and hangouts are closed, and they would spend the time wandering aimlessly and going out of their minds in boredom, without having a place to eat. We provide them with a home experience, with a first course, a second course and dessert.”

One of the rules established at the outset was not to judge anybody. “We do not deal with the places where they are at. There are those who have become addicted to alcohol and dangerous substances. Our approach is to strengthen them and pick them up, and then they will naturally find their way out of those dark places. I always say that our place is an ingathering of the exiles; there are groups of punks, rockers, hooligans, and they all get together and respect each other. For us, all of these labels are just externals; we work with the soul.”

What are these kids telling you? How did they get to this point?

“When we speak with them, it is hard not to identify with the suffering they have experienced and are experiencing. We have teenagers who have gone through things that I doubt many older people have had to deal with. If a boy or girl leaves home and prefers to wander the streets, it is a sign that things were so bad for them at home that they felt they had no choice. There are stories of young people who went through terrible abuse as children. There are times when hearing their stories I find myself tearing up. We have kids that were thrown out of their homes because of a minor cosmetic change in dress, which their parents considered ‘deviations from the norm.’

“The street nowadays is a jungle. There are girls getting involved with low characters, and I wonder to myself if that mother or father who threw her out of the house for some minor infraction understands what they have done to her? Many young people have had their belief system shattered, which is very difficult to repair, but we work very hard on this with a lot of patience and the study of Chassidus. Yet another type we see is kids with attention or concentration deficits, active kids who can’t sit still. Instead of finding the proper way to deal with them, the existing communal establishments pushed them out. These are kids with many talents. It is really heartbreaking.”

Despite the disappointments, scars and upheavals, these boys and girls have lived through, R’ Eli has succeeded in producing success stories, returning kids to their parental homes and even serving as the “accompanying parent” for seven couples. “We had a boy named Abe, who was a serious alcoholic. The first few times he came to us, he would upset the whole atmosphere. He would act out and curse, but I didn’t let him get to me. I sat him down next to me instead of throwing him out. He was in the deepest abyss, his best friends were Arabs and it seemed like he had no future whatsoever.

“I did not let up with him. Every time that we met when he was sober, we would speak about G-dliness and the Rebbe. Many times he promised to change but it wouldn’t pan out. Despite this, I never despaired or gave up on him. Each time he would promise again to leave the streets, but he would slip back time and again. After two years it finally started to look like the changes he was making were for real. He stopped drinking and even met a young lady who would come to us, who had also recovered from alcohol abuse. I suggested that they think in terms of a marriage courtship. They argued that they didn’t have a penny between them, so I offered Bayit Cham in the place of a wedding hall and promised to cover all the costs. And that is what happened, they got married in Bayit Cham.

“Now, that young man is living in Tzfas with his wife. He has fully rehabilitated himself and is in the process of building up a burgeoning business. I got a call from him two months ago to inform me of the birth of their first son, and that he was honoring me to be the sandek. When I arrived and met them, I was very overcome. I remembered good and well where he was just a few years ago and where he is today. This was a complete transformation. When we spoke about it, he told me, ‘You should know that I had already stopped believing in myself; it was only your belief in me that saved my life.’ He may not associate with Chabad Chassidus, but he does not make a move without writing to the Rebbe by way of the Igros Kodesh, and he tells of amazing answers.”

TO BELIEVE IN THE YOUTH

Eli has many stories and you can see how the experiences he has had with the young folks still keeps him pumped. He perfectly carries out what the Rebbe suggests, “To try, as much as possible in peaceful ways, including places where the youth gather who are not yet religious, and explain to them how tremendous endearment was displayed towards them constantly by the Rebbe, my father-in-law, explain to them what he demanded of them and the trust he had in them, that ultimately they will fulfill their purpose in maintaining Judaism and spreading Torah with all the energy, warmth and liveliness that the youth are capable of.”

Eli relates:

“The first young man I married off came to us when we first opened the place. When I invited him for Shabbos I was surprised when he showed up in a suit and tie. I asked him where he obtained this attire, when on weekdays he wore worn out clothing. He said something amazing. He said that when he left home, he took the suit with him and waited for the time when he would be able to wear it again on Shabbos, and I had invited him … This bachur married and lives in a unit that his parents built next-door to them. He is a baal t’shuva and has four children.”

Eli told me about a couple who were stars of a news program that investigated the phenomenon of street youth in Yerushalayim. For obvious reasons, he asked that I not mention their names. “There was one young man who came to us for the first time with piercings in every possible place and he was into heavy punk. Because he came from a religious home, he made fun every time someone said something about emuna and Torah. It was his future wife who was mekarev him back to Torah. We were there for them in every way and when they said they wanted to marry, we helped them tremendously. I was the DJ at their wedding.”

I understand that your work has expanded far beyond the weekends.

“We have expanded based on need. For example, there is an organization called Elem which does incredible work with young people. It works with them every day of the week but they are closed from Thursday until Sunday. We noticed that Arabs from the villages take advantage of this and come to start up with the boys and girls. When I told the people in charge of the organization about the problem, they expressed concern about appearing racist, which is why they didn’t do anything about it.

“I decided to do something and opened Bayit Cham starting from Thursday mornings. We serve a healthy breakfast and provide cosmetic and design workshops so they will stay with us and won’t wander around in the street. There is a tremendous interest and I know that we saved many of them.”

Eli came to realize that he needed a professional approach for those who were addicted to drugs and alcohol and wanted to stop but were unable on their own. At Bayit Cham there are two self-contained groups, one for those addicted to drugs and one for those addicted to alcohol, who go through workshops designed to help them overcome their addictions. Another project Eli came up with is a group of volunteers who collect the kids from the street.

“For two years now, we have been opening the Bayit every Thursday while volunteers go around and gather the kids and bring them to us. Steaming soup awaits them. We have a class on the parsha from the perspective of Chassidus and the Rebbe’s sichos. We also have workshops to learn cooking, music and crafts. There are kids whom we help get accepted into various professional courses, after we see that they are interested in a certain field.”

What are your tools for success? Why are you successful when many others have failed?

“I once heard at a farbrengen that a person asked the Rebbe, ‘What is your secret, why do so many people love you?’ The Rebbe said it is because he loves them. I think this is the most important tool. There are no secrets here. I really love them. I relate to them as though they are my biological children, and people who are loved reciprocate that love.

“I am also often asked, how can you continue working with them when they disappoint you so often? First of all, the reason they do that is because it takes them time to believe that someone in the adult world truly believes in them. They have experienced so many disappointments that they don’t readily trust anymore. Secondly, I follow what the Alter Rebbe says, not to look at a person’s externals. When a person errs, I know it’s not him but his yetzer that overcame him.

“When we lived in Yerushalayim, one time my wife forgot her keys and she called me from outside the door. I was in the middle of farbrenging with a group of kids and I couldn’t leave. I gave the keys to one of them and asked him to do me a favor and give them to my wife. He was happy to help and when he came back he said a line which stuck with me. He said, ‘This is the first time in my life that someone believed in me and relied on me. My parents did not believe in me.’ I had no doubts about him, but apparently when he was younger, he made some mistakes and his parents and others labeled him a thief or an incompetent. When someone believed in him, it was the greatest possible tikkun.”

THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR LISTENING

In your experience, after having so many conversations with kids who left home, how can this be prevented?

“It all starts and ends with listening and acceptance.

“If parents knew where their kids would end up after being thrown out of their homes, I think most of them would not

take that approach. Unfortunately, these days, parents don’t listen to their children. There is also a problem with children from religious homes where there are strict societal codes and there isn’t much room for nonconformity and individual talents. The kids are constantly saying, ‘They didn’t listen to me.’ And when they feel that way, they look elsewhere for acceptance. Make no mistake about it, they go through very difficult and painful times just to be accepted; life on the street is not fun.”

Another problem that adversely affects these young people is the fact that they were not educated to feel a deep connection to Torah and mitzvos. “People today are educated to operate like robots, in external fashion, without any true understanding of why they keep the mitzvos. I talk to kids, and they hear from me that when I keep the mitzvos I am connecting directly, without any intermediaries, to the Giver of the Torah and Creator of the world, with a love connection, and not because of reward or punishment that I will receive after one hundred and twenty. Many young people experience the Torah as something difficult, and the Creator as punitive and vindictive. Why the shock then that so many of them crack?!”

R’ Eli emphasizes that the defining ingredient that characterizes his activities is to accept these youngsters as they are, with no judgments.

“Let me tell you an interesting story. There was a young man who began to visit, and I trusted him and gave him the keys to our place. When I arrived there later, I saw that the computer was not in its usual place and I realized that it had been stolen. For some reason, I did not suspect the boy. I contacted one of our donors and informed him of the theft, and he promised to make a deposit to cover the cost of a new computer.

“When I was standing right outside our door, I noticed that the store opposite had a hidden camera, and I asked the owner if I could watch the tape of the last few hours. I was shocked to see this boy that I had trusted walking out with the computer in hand. I called him and asked him to return the computer and I even invited him to come over for a talk. The computer arrived by taxi, and sometime later he showed up as well. We talked for a long time, but I did not get angry with him although that might have been warranted. I had pity on him and I clarified for him what his mistake was. He apologized and told me that his mother had confiscated his computer and he was bored at home. He ended keeping a connection with me and even began to bring his younger brother around.

“There are times when I think about what would have happened if I reacted differently, if I had called the police or read him the riot act for stealing. Instead, I isolated the incident as a turning point event, and when I look back today I am filled with amazement.”

The lesson that he draws from this story for parents is the need to teach and educate not from a place of fear.

By the way, as far as the money that the donor had already deposited for the computer, R’ Eli asked him if it was okay to use the funds to buy a set of Igros Kodesh instead of a computer.

You operate in really dark and difficult places. How do you manage to see the realization of the Rebbe’s words that the world is ready for Geula?

R’ Eli doesn’t even understand the question. “We see absolutely that the world is ready for Geula, except that we stubbornly insist, for some reason, to close our eyes and not see it. We are acting exactly like the person who won the multi-million dollar jackpot and is still begging for handouts. Everything depends on our consciousness.

“When these tragic kids come to me, I see their depth, the Geula that is within them. The problem is in their consciousness which is trapped in an exile formulation. When their awareness shifts, they start receiving the right messages and get on the right path, and become more successful than their peers.

“The same applies to the world at large; if you don’t make the effort, what you see before your eyes is exile. But if we work on our consciousness, we suddenly see the light of Geula in the world. One of the tools to opening our eyes, it seems to me, is hiskashrus to the Rebbe. Young men and women, who are in the deepest pits of hell in every aspect of their lives, write to the Rebbe and are amazed by the answers that they receive. They don’t always tell me what they wrote, but many times I have seen them cry after opening the Igros. ‘How does the Rebbe know everything,’ is a common refrain I hear from them, and they take upon themselves the advice and guidance of the Rebbe.”

NEXT STOP, TEL AVIV

R’ Eli Shahapurkar does not stop even for an instant. After having built a successful organization in Yerushalayim, he is now devoting his time to opening another branch on Dizengoff Street in the center of Tel Aviv. The donors are already lined up and now he is involved in the search for a suitable location.

“From the years that I lived in that area, I well remember the number of young men and women wandering the streets in search for some balm for their souls. Tragically, many of them grew up in religious and chareidi homes and strayed. My plan is to set up for them a supportive home, for Shabbos and Yom Tov, and even ordinary weekdays.”

THEIR YEARNINGS

The following is a letter from one of the volunteers to the members of his community:

Dear Community!

Please take a moment to read the following. Despite the decades I have spent in the field of education and teaching, I can divide my life into the period before my volunteer work for the organization “Shabbatot v’Chagim” and the period after.

There is an old Yerushalmi home in the Nachalat Shiva neighborhood (near Cats’ Square) that is rented by a righteous man by the name of Eli Shahapurkar, who turned it into a warm home for at-risk youth. Goodhearted women prepare tasty food that is gathered every Friday by volunteers for hot meals on Shabbos and Yom Tov.

“I’m not hungry, but don’t pay me any mind, I’m in withdrawal,” I was told by the girl who came to the meal and curled up sobbing and shaking under a blanket on the couch off to the side of the room. It was obvious that the other kids who had gathered for the meal remained unmoved, they were used to such sights. Some of them are homeless and sleep in abandoned homes or in public parks, and some sleep in shelters set up by the Department of Welfare for these kids. Some come with lifeless eyes that try to avoid encountering meeting the eyes of anybody else; they are just here for some food. Other say that they are not hungry and just came for the smile and hug that they can expect in this place, but many do join in the active discussion and the words of Torah and singing led by the volunteer staff.

The familiarity that many of them have with traditional Shabbos z’miros is a clear indication that there is a significant percentage of kids from religious homes in the house. “And Your mercies should spread over Your holy nation,” sings one of the girls as she joins in the singing with closed eyes and a pleading voice. I would invite all of the heads of educational institutions to see the inconsistency between the mode of dress of this girl and her d’veikus and thirst for the “living G-d.” Generally, these kids choose to cry out their pain and protest in the form of tattoos, piercings, bizarre haircuts and shocking dress.

“To give to drink those who thirst for Your kindness from the river that flows from Eden,” the song continues, and in my mind’s eye passes all of the inflexibility and lack of a listening ear encountered by the ones who tried to open up and talk about their struggles, the estrangement from their families, the dangerous substances, and sometimes even worse that they have endured. “Sanctify them with the holiness of the Shabbos that is unified with Your Torah.” Oh, to see the joy that shines from the faces of these boys and girls singing Shabbos songs and hearing words of Torah.

It seems that their rebellion is not against the Torah and against G-d, but only against those that refused to understand them, those that refused to accept them. The warmth, the love and sharing, that exists between these different and varied kids is nothing short of amazing. Often is the time that I get up to prepare a plate for a boy or girl who dropped in, and on the way I find myself wiping away the tears so that they shouldn’t notice them. I feel that these are holy tears, burning, cleansing, and forcing me to rethink a whole different educational approach to the holy souls entrusted to my care, whether in my home or the classroom.