PARENTS AND TEACHERS

With children back to school after Yom Tov and parent-teacher meetings coming up, it’s a good time to talk about the relationship between parents and teachers.

By C Ben David

My Yossi has been complaining lately about how his teacher is treating him. He said that when he had a fight with another boy, the teacher sided with the other boy without hearing his side. Another time in class he was punished when he wasn’t the guilty one. We’ve been hearing about these unpleasant incidents for a while now. Should we call the principal?

When parents have complaints about a teacher, it is highly recommended that they speak to the teacher first. Speaking to the teacher in the right way and at the right time, in a spirit of cooperation and with the joint goal of clarifying matters, will usually help resolve problems. Sometimes, parents are reluctant to call the teacher or they don’t think a conversation with the teacher will help, and they go directly to the principal. This undermines the teacher’s authority and does not contribute at all to a spirit of cooperation.

Mrs. BasSheva Wolf, a guidance counselor and parent coach, says that when parents accumulate grievances against the teacher, it is very likely to adversely effect their child. The child gets a negative message about the teacher, even if it isn’t conveyed overtly, and this affects him academically, emotionally and socially. So it is very important that parents listen to their child’s complaints and handle them properly. They need to approach the teacher respectfully with the intent of working together with him or her. The one who ends up benefiting is the child, for then both sides are seeking his welfare.

Parents’ involvement in what is going on at school is excellent, but it is important to distinguish between being involved and interfering. Being involved means cooperating, while interfering means sniping from the sidelines. When a person intervenes where she does not belong, she is disturbing, but when a person offers her help in a respectful way, it is warmly appreciated.

If it looks to you like your daughter’s classroom needs aesthetic improvement and you have talent in this department, you can offer your help. But speaking to the teacher and saying: This classroom looks awful, there are no decorations, and curtains on the windows would be a good idea … will only undermine your relationship. That’s interfering, not involvement. The same is true for any complaint or any time you to point something out. You can and should speak to the teacher, but express your point in a way that demonstrates your desire to help your child.

It’s also a good idea, when you have something that is somewhat critical to say, to put it in terms of a difficulty for “me as a parent,” rather than criticism of the teacher. You can say, “My feeling is …” and “It is hard for me to accept …” That’s a less threatening message because it’s not expressed as criticism (“It’s not right that you …”) and it will be accepted more readily.

I’ve been deliberating for a while about whether to call Miri’s parents. Last week, she was very inattentive, played around a lot, and was busy with various things. This is not like her at all and so it’s hard for me to decide how to react. Maybe something happened to her that I don’t know about. Should I call her parents? Maybe it’s a passing phase and there is no reason to speak to them and I should just handle it on my own.

Mrs. Bas-Sheva Wolf: Parents are often preoccupied and busy and they don’t always notice changes in their children. A teacher can notice fine nuances in behavior that parents are not always aware of. So it is important to inform parents about changes or special situations.

When you speak to a parent, you can get information that will shed light on the child’s behavior whether directly or indirectly. The parents may tell you about something that happened in the family or at home, which is likely the reason for the change. Or, you may hear the answer in an indirect manner, like when things are not said explicitly but are understood between the lines, such as when you discover the nature of the parent’s relationship with the child, which explains the problems that cropped up. Cooperation between the teacher and the parents can help tremendously.

Parents are usually very interested in being in touch with teachers and they want to know about their children. Teachers don’t need to call about every little thing, but in the event that it looks as though handling the problem in the classroom won’t be enough or the teacher has the impression that there is information the parents need to know, a call is usually well received. Of course, you have to think things through and present them sensitively and respectfully.

I should mention that teachers are often inclined to call parents only about problems, but they forget to report when there is improvement. It is important to call for both reasons. Children need encouragement. A positive comment orally or in writing, from the teacher to the parent and vice versa, greatly encourages a child and contributes greatly to a positive relationship between parent and teacher.

Leah, a veteran teacher, says: In my first years as a teacher I was sometimes nervous about calling parents about their children. Maybe I saw it as displaying weakness on my part, as though I wasn’t able to handle the problem on my own. But time and again I discovered that most parents are receptive to my comments and are very willing to cooperate. I also make an effort to make positive comments too and this contributes toward the positive relationship between me and the parents. Most of the time, contacting the parents leads to greater success on the part of the children in the classroom.

In the shul that I daven in, I meet parents of my students every night. Parents often come over to me and ask me about how their children are doing in their learning, complain about something or ask for something in connection with the classroom. By doing this, they show they care, but some of these parents won’t show up for the parent-teacher meetings because they see me all the time.

It’s a big mistake to rely on these sorts of encounters and to consider them enough of a connection with the teacher. The teacher, outside of work hours (which extend beyond the hours spent in the classroom), is also a person who is busy with other things. Although you can ask about a child in one of these casual meetings, it’s not enough. It is very likely that under those kinds of circumstances, the teacher won’t have enough time to say everything that needs to be said, it’s possible that important information will be overlooked, and sometimes the place or the time is not conducive to a serious conversation. Sometimes, the teacher will also feel uncomfortable reporting about negative things, if there are any, in an encounter that is informal and friendly.

Aside from the lack of consideration for the teacher, when approaching a teacher in this way, there is a certain lack of respect for the relationship with the teacher. The relationship is important enough that it deserves a phone call now and then and attending the parent-teacher meeting.

Adina, a mother, says: I have a neighbor who is a teacher and she taught and teaches my daughters. For a long time I thought that as a close neighbor, the information I heard from her about my girls was enough. But then one time, when I went to a parent-teacher meeting, thinking that of all the teachers it was less urgent to speak to her since I could always see her at home, I heard details from her that I knew nothing about, both positive and negative. I see that teachers prepare for these meetings and they write down notes to tell the parents. As for me, since I went for the purpose of speaking to the teachers, I was more available to listen to what they had to say.

Michal’s mother was very surprised to hear from me, at a parent-teacher meeting, that her daughter does not do her homework and that she usually does not listen in class. But she never contacted me, and each time I wrote a note in her daughter’s notebook, she didn’t even sign it.

There is no question that communication between parents and teachers is important. The question is, whose responsibility is it? There is no definitive answer to that, but when both sides are aware of the importance of communication, each one will try to work on it and won’t rely overly much on the other one. Both parents and teachers need to see themselves as responsible for keeping in touch.

When one of the sides feels that the other side is not cooperating, it pays to address this directly. There can be various reasons for it, like lack of awareness or a particular difficulty, even a technical one. It’s important for parents to call teachers now and then and to pay attention to notes that the teacher sends (and not just to sign it but to add a note that shows the parent is treating it seriously). But in the case where parents do not call and do not react, it is a good idea to remember that a note or comment is one-sided and it’s worth trying to reach them by phone.

My children are different from one another and the relationship with the teachers reflects that. My oldest son is studious and obedient and I only meet his teacher at parent-teacher meetings. My second son is very mischievous and we get frequent reports from his teacher. Now and then, we call to hear how things are doing. Should the relationship that parents have with teachers be identical for all their children or is that not necessary?

The frequency of contact between parents and teachers changes and depends on the child. There is a minimal amount of contact needed regardless, even if there are no problems whatsoever. Attending a parent-teacher meeting is also a way of letting our children know that we are interested in how they are doing and it shows that their chinuch is important to us. Also, even a good child needs encouragement and it is always good to know that everything is, in fact, okay.

When there are no particular problems, it is not necessary to call often. Parent-teacher meetings two or three times a year and a phone call at the beginning and middle of the year are enough. However, when a child has learning difficulties or behavior problems, it is important to be more in touch with the teacher. In order not to create unnecessary burdens, parents and teachers can decide on a written daily report. This can be extremely helpful.

Rocheli’s mother called again, this time to say that she finds the math difficult and could I please keep that in mind. She calls often, sometimes at inconvenient times, and each time the conversation is lengthy. What should I do?

As important as communication between parents and teachers is, it needs to be done properly. Parents should not be bothering teachers with frequent calls; it only makes life difficult for the teacher and does not contribute toward a pleasant relationship between the teacher and the parent.

It is also important and mentchlich to find out, at the beginning of the conversation, whether it’s a convenient time to talk. And obviously, it is important to talk in a respectful manner. When the communication is done in this way, it will give the teacher a positive feeling and you will accomplish your joint goal.

When a teacher has a parent calling too often, the situation needs to be dealt with sensitively without pushing the parent away. At the same time, the teacher can definitely say: Your call is important to me. Right now, it is hard for me to talk and give you my attention. When can I call you back? Or, the teacher can steer the conversation back to the relevant point when the conversation seems aimless. The parent can also be invited to come down to the school to speak to the teacher when time is available.

Mrs. Bas-Sheva Wolf: Communication can accomplish many wonderful things but it can also do the opposite. When communication is respectful, in a spirit of cooperation, we have a shared goal which is the welfare of the child. We are both responsible for his chinuch.

At the beginning of the year I was given a list of my new students. At first they were only names, but at this point, I’ve gotten to know them somewhat.

Mrs. Wolf: One of the most effective tools a teacher has to create a positive relationship with a child and his parents, and to find out more about him, is a house call. When a teacher visits a child’s home, he can observe many things that can help him understand the child: the family background, the family’s lifestyle, where the child does his homework, his relationships with other family members, and more.

You can learn if there are any problems at home that can make it hard for the child and which require special attention from the teacher. It is also a good opportunity to build a relationship with the family, and this makes it easier to cooperate together in the future. It’s a good idea for teachers to visit students’ homes during summer vacation and get to know the children even before the school year begins.

Sometimes, a few months go by before the teacher really gets to know his class. Getting to know them in advance will save precious time.

Asking their previous teacher for information is not always a good idea because it reflects the relationship he or she had with the students. Information that the new teacher gets on his or her own is not “loaded” and is not influenced by prior opinions. If you can’t make house calls during vacation, you can still do it when the school year begins. It’s not too late.

We pray that we provide our students with the best we have to offer, with joy, and that the children feel loved and go home from school with good feelings about where he or she spent the day.