SMOOTHING TRANSITIONS

The new school year is about to begin. This new beginning is more significant for those who are about to experience a major change: from preschool to first grade, from elementary school to high school/mesivta, from high school/mesivta to seminary/yeshiva g’dola.

Life provides us with many transitions: moving to a new location, a new job, the birth of a baby, and some less happy changes. Even an adult who experienced some sort of change is affected by it and goes through a period in which he has to adjust. For a child, the adjustment can be much more difficult.

The move from preschool to first grade, for example, is a big one. In preschool there was more freedom, more playtime. Just two months later, the children will be expected to sit in their seats for long periods of time and will have to listen to lessons, do class work and homework, and behave.

“In first grade, most of the children adjust easily,” says Leah, a veteran first grade teacher. “A few children find it hard and in most cases you can anticipate these difficulties; those children who, in preschool, were introverts and shy or those who were not well-behaved. Sometimes, these are clingy children who are very attached to home.

“When a problem is anticipated in advance, it can be handled. If necessary, professionals—like the school guidance counselor or psychologist—can get involved. The rest of the children enjoy feeling ‘big’ and getting into the routine. What can help, besides preparing the children with the skills for reading and math, is introducing them to the new building, to the teacher, and telling them how school differs from preschool.”

Going from elementary school to mesivta is an even bigger change. Although these are older children, it’s a transition from a setting in which children are home-based to a setting in which they are often dorming. Adjusting to the new routine, sleeping in a room with friends, yeshiva food, and feeling homesick while getting used to the new schedule and ways of learning, can be tough.

Even for those who don’t sleep in a dormitory, there is a huge difference between elementary school and high school. In elementary school there are longer breaks in which the children play and run around. They get to “air out” during the school day. In yeshiva, the breaks are fewer and the way they are spent are more low-key, as befits a yeshiva bachur.

“It’s really not easy,” says Yehudis, who has already sent four boys to yeshiva. “There are kids who quickly adjust but the beginning is always hard. Being out of the house and having to get used to many changes in daily routine requires a lot from a boy. In my experience, although for some of my boys it was easier and for some harder, it usually resolves itself with time. Even when there are adjustment problems, if they are not particularly severe, you shouldn’t put too much of an emphasis on them. Sometimes, parents convey to their child that he has a problem and the child adopts this label of ‘problem kid.’ That makes it much harder to handle the problem which wasn’t that big to begin with.

“It’s important to discuss it with the child openly and define the difficulty. Sometimes, when the child has a problem, he might feel that the school is the problem. Especially with younger children, for example, a preschool child can find it difficult to point to a bullying child as the problem and might say he just doesn’t like school. When you talk to the child, you can pinpoint the problem.

“I think most children adjust to yeshiva life, though of course it depends on the relationship between them and the staff.”

Yisroel, an educator who works in a yeshiva, describes how they handle boys who are coming to mesivta:

“The staff keeps on eye on the bachurim and there are always those who have a hard time at first. We try to establish a personal relationship with each bachur who is having it hard, and we try to help him – first by talking to the bachur himself, then getting his parents involved, by being flexible a bit with requirements and s’darim, and in special cases even getting professionals involved.”

What kinds of adjustment problems do you see?

Rochel, whose son is in mesivta, describes the difficulties her son had at first: “He found it hard to make peace with the fact that he was leaving home behind. We saw this with the phone calls when he repeatedly asked whether there was anything else we hadn’t told him and whether we were keeping him up to date on what was going on at home. It was very important to him to hear about every little detail, and when we did not tell him about something that seemed trivial, he was very offended. This problem was temporary and the more time passed, the more confidence he gained that even when he was in yeshiva, he wasn’t forgotten at home.”

Dovid is a talmid in mesivta and he tells of another difficulty: “In yeshiva, the schedule obligates me throughout the day. In elementary school I had to go along with the program but after school I went home where I had the freedom to play with my younger brothers or to read a book. At home I felt somewhat free with my brothers while in yeshiva I am in a room with peers. At first, I felt less comfortable, but over time I became friendly with my roommates and got used to the s’darim.”

Yehudis tells of a similar difficulty that came up with her second son: “I sensed very strongly that when he came home he really needed to unwind. Just being at home made him very happy and he would sit in front of the computer a lot or even played with games that were not age appropriate. It was only after a while that I realized what it was. It was hard for him to express it himself but we talked with him and after realizing what the difficulty was, it was easier to deal with it.”

Yisroel talks about common difficulties: “There are bachurim who find it hard to get used to food that is different than home. Some complain about little things in the arrangements of the rooms. There are difficulties that are more apparent and are easier for us to notice but the bachurim don’t always articulate it immediately. Very often, boys of this age keep things to themselves and don’t say that something is bothering them and what it is.

“You can find out that a bachur is having a hard time adjusting when certain manifestations appear, such as extreme introversion, difficulties getting up in the morning, and failing academically. If these problems continue for long, for more than a month, or if the problem seems to get worse, the dorm counselor or mashpia speaks to the bachur and tries to help him. The parents are usually informed too (something the bachur does not always appreciate when he finds out, for he feels they don’t rely on him or they are talking about him behind his back). This is all, of course, besides the ongoing personal connection with bachurim which helps foster closeness and trust and a very supportive relationship to help overcome initial difficulties.

“However, there are bachurim who have real difficulties adjusting and these manifest as more serious problems or they last longer.”

What do you do in those situations?

“We talk with the parents to find out if there is any particular reason for the difficulty and we decide what approach will best help the child adjust.”

Miriam just sent her second son to yeshiva and she talks about his hard time adjusting to the new routine: “He is the youngest child in the family and maybe this is why he is more spoiled and very connected to home. He calls home very often, sometimes daily, with various excuses, to ask questions on trivial mattes or to tell me about things that happened. I felt he was exhibiting excessive dependency. He wanted to consult with me about every little thing like arranging his room, his clothes etc., simple things that a boy his age should mange on his own. He often complained about the shower which is different than the one at home or the noise in the room.

“The food was also something he complained about a lot and sometimes I got the impression that he did not eat all day. He said that at breakfast the plate did not look clean enough, at lunch they served something he does not like, and supper did not appeal to him.

“When these problems continued and we did not notice an improvement even after talking to him, we spoke to the mashpia and dorm counselor. I was happy to discover that the mashpiim had noticed his struggle and were working with him, talking to him about the difficulties and looking for solutions to problems. He got special permission to occasionally visit relatives who live near the yeshiva and sometimes for Shabbos too, aside from the usual off-Shabbasos. In the dining room, they sometimes gave him an additional portion of the food that he likes, knowing that he doesn’t eat a lot of the other things.

“With time and the cooperation and help of the staff, my son adjusted and learned to like yeshiva, but it definitely wasn’t an easy process and it took a long time and lots of energy.”

Helping a child adjust means to walk a fine line and to find the right balance. On the one hand, it is important to work with the child and to sometimes forgo certain requirements; on the other hand, the goal is for the child to adjust and fit into the system and its requirements, not that he should get used to a situation in which he needs special treatment. The staff needs to find the right balance between these two considerations.

Many factors determine the level of difficulty – the child’s nature, the general atmosphere in the school, whether the child is intense or more easygoing, the family background, etc.

A possible approach to finding the correct balance is doing things gradually. In preschool, for example, the first days of school are short in order to habituate the child to gradually get used to the new program.

A similar approach can be used for yeshivos and other frameworks. For example, there are high schools/mesivtos where a bachur who finds it hard to be away from home can get permission to sleep at home some days of the week and be gradually expected to sleep in the dormitory all the time. The same for the transition to elementary school, if the child’s difficulty in getting used to school has to do with homework, he can be asked, sometimes, to prepare only part of it. The goal ought to be to achieve full compliance with the program and this goal should be clear to the child too, by telling him so directly and with indirect reminders.

We need to differentiate between more important principles that we can’t compromise on and those things that are more flexible. If a bachur finds it hard getting used to the daily s’darim of the yeshiva, it is important to let him know that they are non-negotiable and he must get used to it. But if the main problem is the food, there is room for flexibility and understanding.

“Sometimes, parents really want us to give in to their kids and compromise more,” says Yisroel. “I try to convey to the parents that the goal we all have is for the welfare of the child, and for his good we need to find the right balance. There are instances in which a bachur gets permission to leave yeshiva more often or is excused from certain things, but the goal is to get him used to the requirements and the child needs an opportunity to handle it. It’s important for bachurim to get used to dealing with situations, to accustom themselves to comply with demands and develop independence. There is usually cooperation on the part of the parents and together we manage to get the bachur on track.”

“The parents’ cooperation is always important,” emphasizes Leah, the first grade teacher. Often, the child’s difficulty in adjusting to the new program has to do with a problem at home or in how the parents relate to it, for example, parents who don’t give their child independence and create an unnatural dependency. In these cases, most of the time, a talk with the parents can greatly improve the situation.”

Rochel, with a son in yeshiva, is the wife of a teacher and she works in a girls’ dormitory. She provides another perspective from her experience in the dorm:

“Sometimes there is information that parents can provide which will help their daughter. It can be some emotional problem, or a health issue, sometimes a certain detail about the family background. This can help a lot and the earlier that happens the faster the improvement. If dealing with the problem gets postponed, the problem gets more serious and goes from a minor difficulty to a major problem.”

In connection with this Rochel adds, “Sending a boy or girl to a dormitory is definitely not a solution to problems. I see cases in which a girl with a social problem is sent to a dorm in the hopes that it will help her overcome the problem. In my experience, it only makes problems worse. When a girl is forced to deal with a problem in its most extreme form, when she is far from family and their support, it can affect her self-confidence and amplify the situation.

“There are also cases in which being in a dorm is a very good experience and helps a girl mature and become stronger. So you need to carefully weigh the options. In any case, if there is a problem or difficulty that can make it hard for a child to adjust, deal with it from the outset and don’t say it will work itself out in school.”

How can adjusting be made easier in yeshiva or any new situation? What preparations are needed to prevent problems?

Yehudis refers to preparations on the part of the parents, talking with the child and preparing him for the change. When the transition is to a yeshiva, the child can be reminded of previous transitions that he went through. This can help him handle the new change. Even when transitioning into first grade, you can tell a child: Last year you were also in a new school and you got used to it.

You can also tell them stories about children who went through the same thing. For a bachur who is starting mesivta, you can also involve a brother, neighbor, or relative who learns in that yeshiva who can guide him and talk to him.

Miriam adds that some of the preparation has to do with the parents’ adjustment: “I caught on a bit late that some of a child’s difficulty in adjusting has to do with it being hard for me to send him since he is the youngest. Parents themselves need to make peace with the fact that their child is moving along to a new situation, especially when it entails leaving home. It can be hard, especially with the first or last child, and the parents’ difficulty is subtly broadcast to the child. When I began to overcome the difficulty myself I felt that my son started to improve too.”

Rochel points out something else: “Give the child lots of warmth and attention, especially before the transition takes place. When the child leaves home knowing that he has a warm, supportive family, it will make it easier. Research shows that many children who find it hard to adjust are those who left behind a problem or some difficulty at home. Warmth and love are vital for a child at any time, but it’s more significant at this time.

“Afterward too, when a child comes home for Shabbos, give him special attention. It can be by preparing food that he likes or a warm note or sign on the door, or just by devoting time to talking about his experiences in yeshiva.

“The main preparations take place at home with the parents and the immediate surroundings but the preparations that take place in school are also important. There are places where they get the boys used to learning with a chavrusa, for example, or a yeshiva style farbrengen. There can also be general discussions with the children which happens more with the girls. Boys are not as emotionally expressive, but an opportunity can be set up in which they feel free to talk. Often, the revelation that their classmates are dealing with similar hardships can be helpful.”

The bottom line is to know that when a child is doing well in a new school situation, it can be an opportunity for new personal growth (especially for those who need a second chance).

A SHORT GUIDE FOR PARENTS – HOW TO HELP CHILDREN ADJUST TO A NEW SITUATION

Preparation: Prepare children for a transition, mainly by talking to them about it in an age appropriate way. What changes can they expect in the new setting? What might be difficult? When the child himself says what the difficulties might be (and they might be little things that we would never think of) you can think of solutions together. You can also arrange for a child to speak with a brother/neighbor/uncle etc. who are in the same situation the child is about to enter and they can provide guidance, advice, and support.

Keeping Tabs: It is very important to keep tabs on a child who starts a new program and be aware of how he or she is doing. There are children who adjust easily to a new place and new circumstances and there are other children who exhibit big problems. And then there are children who find it hard to adjust but it doesn’t show. Parents need to call the school and even visit now and then. They need to take a sincere interest and talk to their child even about the little things. This can help them discover whether the child is adjusting or has a problem and needs help.

Ongoing Support: Give the child the feeling that he has a listening ear. Give him the opportunity to talk and listen to his stories; let him see you’re interested. At the same time, don’t get overly involved so as not to create excessive dependency. It’s good to encourage their independence.

Sensitivity: Not all children let on when they’re having a problem and they don’t all show it in the same way. It’s important to be sensitive and to pay attention to even the most subtle messages that can indicate that a child is experiencing difficulty.

Communication: Be in constant touch, not only with the child but also with the teachers in the new place. This way, you can find out and be updated on how the child is acclimating from the perspective of an adult. Calling also shows that you care and builds a relationship of trust and cooperation.